alright i'm blogging through this experience because it's a pain in the butt and i need to get it out.

so i found out about a week ago that i currently have no financial aid for this school i want to go to. so i might not be able to go there because i would have to pay 5000 by today and i don't have that kind of money. so today i have to make all these calls to see if they can either tell me if i am getting anything or i'm going to go with plan number 2. all in God's hands.

[plan number 2] taking one or two classes next semester and working.

right now i have to call to see what they say about financial aid - if i'm getting any. i've been on hold for 6 minutes. i went from being caller 7 to 4 to 8? alright. great. i have patience. i mean it's not like this is my future or anything -__-
what they say: he is going to see if they can get my information to me this week. but i would still have to pay a lot -___-

alright God so here is how it breaks down, i know i have a vision of wanting to be a nurse, and i will be a nurse, but if it isn't there, it's somewhere else, because you know we can't pay that much. so that's it.
i'm leaving again.

calling to withdraw again.
had to get transferred for a call - leave a phone number after the beep - call me woman.

still waiting for a call 11:00 aM.
11:38.. i'm calling back now.

to withdraw: - call this lady .. and she says = or she no answer..
so i call back at 12:00 pm.

and then my mom calls me and ... wow mom.. right so since i have been going to a different church, i am different and i have been acting weird. maybe it's because i finally understand God, and how He really loves me, and i don't lie to you anymore, and i'm actually a good person now, and i care about things, and not just myself, and i don't want to make mistakes, and yeah i'm different, but you don't understand that, you would never understand me.

keep calling back and nothing -__- this is stressing me out.
and i want to nap.

she called me back - now i have to call someone else.

i emailed to be withdrawn.

why is it i am never home/ come home really late at night?
A: because me and my parents have really different points of views.
GOD do something please.

i hate hate hate hate myself.
i always say never again, and i end up doing it.
i go out with people from udel, and i end up drinking, and ugh.
i drank - bad.
i danced - bad.
i cursed - bad.
and everything i saw, was just bad.

and the worst part is, that i feel so dumb, but i'm not strong enough on my own, to say NO. i could've said no, we could've gone to a movie or something.
i feel like such a failure, and i hope God can forgive me for sticking my big foot in my mouth.
God how am i gonna know if you forgive me this time.
i don't even want to think. i want to just curl up in a ball and never move. i feel like a dummy.

God help me make smarter decisions. No me quiero desviar del verdadero camino.
NEVER AGAIN, last time. this is what happens when i'm alone. i don't want to be alone.
i need help.ughhhhhhhhhhh.

yesterday, i got up. when and got breakfast at dunkin donuts. i got a pumpkin coffee lite and sweet and a plain bagel with veggie cream cheese.

came in early, to fix up an essay for my english two class. and then i went to sociology, and english.

in sociology we learned about this gay boy, and watched a movie called “Bullied”. and my home is about bullying, but what gets me most aupset is that in most these cases, the attacker always tends to blame the victim by saying things like “he shouldn’t be so openly gay” or “boys will be boys”, or “it’s his own fault, he hits on the hockey team”, who says that! i don’t understand. but it’s life.

and then i went to CCC and it was Will’s turn to teach and he taught about the Nephilim in Genisis, and tried to explain what they actually were, and it’s a really interesting lesson, but he’s so smart that he makes it a little complicated to understand. but i want to learn about that topic now. it intriged me.

him.

then i went home and worked on the painting, which is coming out amazingly, btw. and i’m so proud, thank Jesus. He’s been giving me all the ideas and inspiration. Without Him, nothing is possible.

Sharon came over and i cooked for us, pasta with butter, cheese, garlic, vegetables, and chicken. pretty good.

and then i spent the rest of the night doing some homework and painting, and i went to bed at like 11.

and the last verse i read was Jeremiah 33:3 .. and i didn’t read the whole chapter.  ³ ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’

i know i'm not leading the most exciting life. but really, i don't mind, because i know bigger things are coming, and sooonnn.

everyone has a past, but that's not what i'm interested in. i'm interested in what you are now, what you're doing day to day to be a better person, most importantly what you're doing day to day to love God more.


when i see you looking at me, everything around me just kind of stops, i focus on your stare, on your gaze, i see your smile and i feel like maybe all you need is a hug, or someone to smile in your direction. and i know i can give you that smile, but the hug not until i'm more comfortable. i feel something there, but i don't want to get ahead of the game.
but in regards to you, i had a dream last night and it went like this:

i saw a church, and we had teatro negro practice, after practice i had to drop some people off, someone had lent me a gps and something else, but i don't remember what., then the next day we had practice again and we walk in and they had a play all ready already, but i didn't have anything so i sat next to you, and then the play was the little prince, and you pulled out your book, and she was on the other side of you, and we decided to leave because we had nothing to present, so me you and sher left, and then we were sitting in the field just chilling, talking, and then iraq came up, and you said you'd like to go there one day, and come to think of it so would i, and then i get a call from manny, and he needs a favor, me to pick him up, but i'm hesitant because i don't like driving alone with guys, and i tell him yes, because i know they will go with me, and then sher says i'll go get him, so then it's just me and you, and i start playing with the grass by your hair, and you take my hand and put it on your head, so i start playing with your hair, then you tell me you want to take me somewhere, and we are at a baseball game on the field, and you lay down, and i lay down next to you, and you hug me close to you, tightly, and we fit perfectly together, every single spot, and we start talking, and the one thing i remember is you saying "i want someone who prays for me every night". and baseball are flying everywhere and you just stare at me.
and then the dream went somewhere else, where i was lying you disappered, and actors showed up because we had a casting call, and Brad Pitt was there and we did a dance routine, and the other girl performing i gave her my shot, and then i went outside,
and suddenly i was in Europe, with greg, ant, and kels, and i went into this room that was full on catholic and i was uncomfortable so i sit in the last row, and they were all messing and joking around, so i got up and walked out, and then i see this girl i know, and she has a tattoo representing her pet fish, (like my pet fish), and then i see the monks with the orange robes walking up and down the streets., and then i woke up.

i don't know what any of it means, but i went places, i'm going places, He is going to send me to places, so prepare me for that God, give me the knowledge i need for that, and strength, and if i'm supposed to go with someone, prepare them too.
give me what i need, from You.